Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
