But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
