My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
