Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
