Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
