I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
