I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
