I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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