because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
