This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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