Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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