I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
