The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
