now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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