Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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