They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
