I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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