she looked like the before picture.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
