the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
