She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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