I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
