Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
