If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
