if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
