You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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