the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
