i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
