I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
