I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
