I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
