FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
