i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
