So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
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