You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
