youre lurking in front of me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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