you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
