I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
