i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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