i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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