Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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