yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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