I will die if light touches me.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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