No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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