Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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