Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
