We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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