We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
