im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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