but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
