If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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