it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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