and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
