so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
