i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
