I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I need a burrito and a hug.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
