grandma shit on top of the toilet
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
