If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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