I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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