I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
