if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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